Things Someone Should Invent

Momtrepreneurs from coast to coast are hard at work inventing all manner of chic shopping cart covers and crust-eliminating sandwich shapers.  These are wonderful items, but, we need to start thinking bigger.  Many a time when the baby wanted to rock ‘n roll all night and party every day and I was bleary-eyed and desperate, I would dream of having a giant padded room in my house.  All the walls and floors would be covered with tumbling mats.  This room would have no electrical outlets or windows that open.  There would be just a few large soft, but not too soft, toys and nothing else.  Except, maybe, a large hamster-type bottle full of milk.  And, now that I think of it, a giant padded hamster wheel to tire the little fella out.  You would just plop the baby in there, lock the door, and voila, a full-night’s sleep for you.  It might sound like I’m ripping off B.F. Skinner.  But this is totally different than his ill-fated air crib.  That was a crib.  This is a room-sized worry-free padded hamster cage for babies.  Someone should invent that.

Before having children, I almost never used a drive-thru.  It seemed so lazy.  But now, with carseats, strollers and slowpoke children, getting in and out of the car takes more time than the actual errand.  Why stop at drive-thru coffee and prescriptions?  I’m talking drive-thru everything.  Drive-thru grocery stores, drive-thru hair salons, drive-thru doctors’ offices.  At the very least, they could have valet driving around the parking lot.  You pull up with your sleeping baby in the back, hand over the keys and you shop at Target while the valet circles the parking lot.  Also, it’s great that they have babysitting rooms at the gym, but how about at high end restaurants, in movie theaters and on airplanes?  There should be babysitting robots.  Not for constant use, of course.  Just when the baby is napping and you want to run out real quick.

Sometimes useful baby items have already been invented, but we modern moms eschew them.  Even though I longed for a padded room in which to leave my baby alone, the idea of putting my child in a (gasp!) playpen seemed neglectful.  The playpen has fallen out of favor for the more politically correct Pack ‘n Play.  I have never seen a modern baby in a playpen for anything other than sleep while on vacation.  I may leash my children every now and then (see next paragraph), but the idea of putting them in a playpen, it just wasn’t for me.  This might have something to do with the home video I saw of a family cookout.  Everyone at the picnic table seemed to be having a great time.  Eating deviled eggs, laughing, talking.  Oh, don’t mind that toddler in the distance all alone in a playpen under a tree.  No, no, I’m OK, I don’t want any of your cole slaw…or attention!  Ouch.  It still stings.  It wasn’t always easy being the youngest of seven children.  Maybe that’s why I don’t like playpens.  I don’t know.  Once while having a yard sale, I was trying to get my toddler to sleep in the Pack ‘n Play (under a tree) on the lawn. He couldn’t because he and his older brother were too busy using it as a playpen. They played in it for most of the day.  With no psychological scars to show for it.  Oh well.

I bet you’re wondering about the leash. It’s not so much a leash, but a monkey backpack with a handy strap.  OK, it’s a baby leash.  I know some people think these things are reprehensible.  But I only use it at theme parks and museums.  I have three children but only two hands, so when I’m alone with them, the leash, ahem, backpack with strap, is my best friend.  Plus, it gets them out of the stroller and gives them the freedom to walk around without the pesky danger of getting kidnapped or darting out onto a busy highway.  It could happen.  I’ll admit that the monkey design makes it palatable.  If it were an old fashioned harness or a rope around their waist, I definitely wouldn’t use it.  The only comments I’ve ever gotten while using it are “I love that!  Where’d you get it?” and one time, “I have one of those and I get nasty looks when I use it.”  Also, the other kids love to walk their little brother.  We don’t have a dog, so it’s the next best thing.  So, I don’t care what people say, it’s not like I’m using an electric fence.  But wait…what if it wasn’t so much of an electric jolt as a little poke…